Should we weep to go back to our childhood?

There are so much thing that internet make us think ourselves to be. Or expect everyone to have the same view of. When it aligns with yourselves or your experiences, fine. But when it's not, the place where everyone think they are open minded because it's a space that connects people from all over the world become so cruel and narrow-minded.
Producing people with all the same values and opinion is not a cool thing, and everyone from the internet will agree. But they themselves are fighting so that people on the internet all have the same point of view. And what's worse, those PoV are not all that good. In fact some of it are really set to destroy whoever following that kind of PoV.

 For me, some of the biggest internet "cultural" thing didn't match my point of view at all. For example, the cry to meet month's end. Like, seriously? I never have that problem! I really thought it all was just exaggerated, that it is only a hyperbola or something. But then I asked some of my friends. Turns out it was a real issue. Whaat??? I knew, I knew, some people must have that problem : I knew people who are underpaid, must support their family, can't land a decent job or only have one part time job, and generally people that can be understood to have their living cost higher than their salary. But people like me, single (or forever alone) with at least an entry level job from middle class family whose only need is to support themselves or even some of it are still under their parents wings - which is like 80% of the internet (I made it up, but...)??

How come did you even manage to spend it all?

I am not the highest paid out of all the 20s who are into the second year of their first job. I can save the money to go to a trip to Europe, something that are "very difficult" for the 20s in my country, due to the low currency of my country. I still reside inside my parent's home, correct, but I make a point to "pay my rent", and even if I have to buy my own meals and do my own laundry, I can still spare a lot of it to my saving account. And I don't particularly restraining myself from eating out or shop! So how??

 The second one is the "I want to go back to being a child"/"Childhood era is the best"/"Be happy you are still a child, kid!"
Well... it's not that my childhood is bad. Actually I pretty liked it. My teen years are a little worse, but still acceptable. Not that I want to go back to any of them.

You know, I think people who want to go back to one point at their time (not to fix mistake) didn't grow up "properly" with the addition of their age. I mean, sure, playing around all day while the only thing bothering me is if I have enough score to beat my cousins at a game is a very good days, but if I were to do that in this age, I will feel useless. Not being able to contribute to society, not being able to compete with my generations, not being able to choose what to do, because obviously I am not in the power to buy the game - my parents is.

I love the power that comes with "being an adult". I kind of hate the responsibility, too, like everyone else in this world, but I think the power is worth it. So many thing suddenly become possible. Accessible. Controllable. Isn't that amazing?

So... I was kind of hoping to make people realize that not only it is bad, but also sometimes not true, and people are doing like what was suggested just because it looks like the path most people walk in. No. We have choices now. Not "all people" are living paycheck to paycheck. Not "all people" is weeping to go back doing what children do. It is not how it SHOULD BE. Don't follow it because it seems okay, that people all live by that standard. If I can set a standard, it is clearly what NOT to do.

There are choices. We can do a lot of great work. We can.

So please, take care of your life

Signed,

a distressed 20-something

2014

It's already the end of the year? Seriously? As of now, it is 23 :35 in my place.
A lot should be happening in 2014, but I think none of it really leave a deep impression. Because I only could remember 3 major event : Skripsi, Graduation, and get a job. None of it feels like live changing, too.

I... go through a lot that I get but doesn't deserve, both because I actually not qualified, and some because I over qualified. Here is some of the list :

1. I don't deserve to have a very understanding, caring, patience professor for my skripsi. I am not serious in doing it and nearly blow it all
2. I don't deserve to get A- in that. I hardly try to make it perfect. I only do that to move through. I am ashamed of that project and it will forever be done.
And I know, I could actually get an A, if only I do my best. I know it. But I am not doing my best at all. It near my worst
3. I don't deserve to graduate. I... Not that it's my fault or anything, but I knew for graduating I sacrificed something that some of my friends sacrificed graduation for. I am not ready for graduation. Please. Spare me.
4. I don't deserve to get that cum laude certificate. I am not doing my best to get it, compared to some people. Yes, it's my target, but halfway through, I am ready to throw it away and going back to my status as a lazy, useless maniac who no one will expect anything of. Not the go-getter girl I tried so hard to be.
5. I don't deserve the high regard some of my university friend seems to held of me. I kind of run away of them and the responsibility that come with organizations that feels more and more like a burden
6. I don't deserve the near-home, quite high-paying, related to my major in uni, comfortable job I get RIGHT after graduation. No, even before graduation. I didn't ask for it. Never picture it.
7. I don't deserve to get the nice, kind, supporting supervisor and co-workers that are giving me second chances every time I make a basic mess in my work
8. I don't deserve to get that high a pay, compared to the 10year-senior-but-lower-in-education coworker that get nearly half I get considering the mess I make around the rules.

There, all the things I don't deserve. I am very disappointed in this year, mainly to my own self. People from the outside will see it as a very successful year to me, perhaps. No, it's not. While situations and my past actions carry me on, I am doing very bad this year. It's not on negative notes, though, it's a reminder and on a thankful note that I still could done it this beautifully. Thanks, Lord. Now I am ready for 2015, and this time, I won't disappoint myself

posted from Bloggeroid

Tea Party with Madhatter! in Lady Alice Tea room

Tea Party with Madhatter!

Hi! Sorry for the lack of updates... I mean...

I decide that I will start to post review the restaurant that I have visited now. I will give the address, so you could know how to go there. Mainly in Jakarta, but could also be in another city. Now I really am a food blogger, eh? I originally doesn't want to be one.

The first I will post is Lady Alice Tea Room, the one in Benton Junction Karawaci

Tea Party with Mad hatter!

I really have a great time here. My advice is : Eat on the second floor. The interior, furniture and scenery is way better than the ground floor.  And order their special-sounds-a-bit-weird tea.

Honestly, I don't really remember how the food taste like. I don't have a sweet tooth and never really keen on sandwich. What I remember is the overall experience. I love the decorations and interior and the furniture, as well as the teacups, pots, dishes, etc. it's all feels so vintage and classic, and like stepping into wonderland, and having the tea party with Madhater.

Me and my friends ordered the tea party packages as well as rose hibiscus tea. While I don't really remember how the cakes, scones, and sandwich taste (not bad, but not really good, maybe we choose the wrong variety of cakes), I remember the teas.


The earl grey is so - so, they don't really left a strong impression, but the Rose Hibiscus tea - it's magnificent. I recommend ordering their special tea, Rose Hibiscus Vanilla Tea, and Fruit De La Passion Tea. One of it is too sweet to my liking, and Rose Hibiscus tea is a bit troublesome to drink because of the rose petals - we only have two, but both are delicious.

The chimney cake are delicious and unique, but I don't really feel that it is extraordinary, perhaps because we don't order any dipping.

They let us sit and chat as long as we like, and it's long. We even have a photo session! With the cake as well. The server is not overly nice, but they are nice enough to let us play as we want it. Really feels like stepping into a dream world, wonderland, or go back in time or to Britain where the tea time party is a reality.

All the other aspect lose to the atmosphere you will get if you let yourself absorb it :)

It's located in  Benton Junction, Jl. Boulevard Palem Raya, Cibodas, Tangerang

The Price range is quite high, so bring a group. The menu could be seen on Zomato here

https://www.zomato.com/jakarta/lady-alice-tea-room-cibodas/menu#tabtop

Have a try!

[10:03AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Dan mungkin pas gw ngerasa lemah gini adalah saat yang tepat buat 'negor' gw. Gw ketegor tadi pas chapel
[10:16AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Ttg "kenapa kita sangat sulit rendah hati dan nyerahin hidup ke Tuhan"
[10:17AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Selama ini gw selalu mikir, ga adil dong kalo misalkan untuk "ngikutin mau Tuhan" manusia harus merelakan semua cita2 dan apa yg udah dihasilkan dr kerja keras mereka?
[10:18AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Gw ga ngerti sama orang2 yg selama ini bisa cerita ttg betapa senangnya mereka dipanggil Tuhan dan meninggalkan bidangnya yang lama
[10:18AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Hei, I understand about being happy about The Call, but... Why, did you have no feeling about your field?
[10:18AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Kira2 gitulah
[10:20AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: I won't be able to be perfectly happy if one day God call me and tell me "Hey Yanni, come here, be a counsellor, I will make you the best that ever be and an inspiration for all people."
[10:22AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Yes I will be happy, I am happy I am chosen, I am happy that I am offered a very generous offer, but... But why? Did what I do not good enough? Did my dream have no meaning if it's not His even though it's perfectly good and honorable?
[10:54AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: One thing I forgot - and everybody so often forget - that "all that I am is from God". All of it. Our look, mind, creativity, conditions, opportunity, blessings, LUCK...
[10:58AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: We are lifted from the state of helplessness and are given all that by God. And when God wants us to do what He wants us to do when He give us all that, we refuse


Of course then it's His right to withdraw it all again
[11:01AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: We forget that without God, we are nothing - we are left with nothing.

Maybe we always thought, "I am not all that bad - at least my heart is pure" hey, that pureness come from God, too. God can harden a person's heart, remember?
[11:05AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: If I was not helped, I was just a big ego girl with quite sharp mind and an equally sharp mouth with no care of the world, only my affair. It really how bad it is. I won't have the thought of helping people in need, of taking care my surroundings, of showing some kindness, if not for God's help and progress. I might think that I have put a lot of effort on changing myself, but who am I if it's not God changing me?
[11:06AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Well that dawn on me now. God give a vulgar description about how we behave if we then use what he have given us to be used for other purposes : for wealth, for fame, for success, in Yehezkiel...
[11:10AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Yehezkiel 16:3-23, 28, 33 dan katakanlah: Beginilah firman Tuhan ALLAH kepada Yerusalem: Asalmu dan kelahiranmu ialah dari tanah Kanaan; ayahmu ialah orang Amori dan ibumu orang Heti.
Kelahiranmu begini: Waktu engkau dilahirkan, pusatmu tidak dipotong dan engkau tidak dibasuh dengan air supaya bersih; juga dengan garam pun engkau tidak digosok atau dibedungi dengan lampin.
Tidak seorang pun merasa sayang kepadamu sehingga diperbuatnya hal-hal itu kepadamu dari rasa belas kasihan; malahan engkau dibuang ke ladang, oleh karena orang pandang enteng kepadamu pada hari lahirmu.
Maka Aku lalu dari situ dan Kulihat engkau menendang-nendang dengan kakimu sambil berlumuran darah dan Aku berkata kepadamu dalam keadaan berlumuran darah itu: Engkau harus hidup
dan jadilah besar seperti tumbuh-tumbuhan di ladang! Engkau menjadi besar dan sudah cukup umur, bahkan sudah sampai pada masa mudamu. Maka buah dadamu sudah montok, rambutmu sudah tumbuh, tetapi engkau dalam keadaan telanjang bugil.
Maka Aku lalu dari situ dan Aku melihat engkau, sungguh, engkau sudah sampai pada masa cinta berahi. Aku menghamparkan kain-Ku kepadamu dan menutupi auratmu. Dengan sumpah Aku mengadakan perjanjian dengan engkau, demikianlah firman Tuhan ALLAH, dan dengan itu engkau Aku punya.
Aku membasuh engkau dengan air untuk membersihkan darahmu dari padamu dan Aku mengurapi engkau dengan minyak.
Aku mengenakan pakaian berwarna-warna kepadamu dan memberikan engkau sandal-sandal dari kulit lumba-lumba dan tutup kepala dari lenan halus dan selendang dari sutera.
Dan Aku menghiasi engkau dengan perhiasan-perhiasan dan mengenakan gelang pada tanganmu dan kalung pada lehermu.
Dan Aku mengenakan anting-anting pada hidungmu dan anting-anting pada telingamu dan mahkota kemuliaan di atas kepalamu.
Dengan demikian engkau menghias dirimu dengan emas dan perak, pakaianmu lenan halus dan sutera dan kain berwarna-warna; makananmu ialah tepung yang terbaik, madu dan minyak dan engkau menjadi sangat cantik, sehingga layak menjadi ratu.
Dan namamu termasyhur di antara bangsa-bangsa karena kecantikanmu, sebab sangat sempurna adanya, oleh karena semarak perhiasan-Ku yang Kuberikan kepadamu, demikianlah firman Tuhan ALLAH."
"Tetapi engkau mengandalkan kecantikanmu dan engkau seumpama bersundal dalam menganggarkan ketermasyhuranmu dan engkau menghamburkan persundalanmu kepada setiap orang yang lewat.
Engkau mengambil dari pakaian-pakaianmu untuk membuat bukit-bukit pengorbananmu berwarna-warni dan engkau bersundal di situ; seperti itu belum pernah terjadi dan tidak akan ada lagi.
Engkau mengambil juga perhiasan-perhiasanmu yang dibuat dari emas-Ku dan perak-Ku, yang Kuberikan kepadamu, dan engkau membuat bagimu patung-patung lelaki dan engkau bersundal dengan mereka.
Engkau mengambil dari pakaianmu yang berwarna-warni untuk menutupi mereka dan engkau mempersembahkan kepada mereka minyak-Ku dan ukupan-Ku.
Juga makanan-Ku yang Kuberikan kepadamu — tepung yang terbaik, minyak dan madu Kuberikan makananmu — engkau persembahkan kepada mereka menjadi persembahan yang harum, demikianlah firman Tuhan ALLAH.
Bahkan, engkau mengambil anak-anakmu lelaki dan perempuan yang engkau lahirkan bagi-Ku dan mempersembahkannya kepada mereka menjadi makanan mereka. Apakah persundalanmu ini masih perkara enteng
bahwa engkau menyembelih anak-anak-Ku dan menyerahkannya kepada mereka dengan mempersembahkannya sebagai korban dalam api?
Dalam segala perbuatan-perbuatanmu yang keji dan persundalanmu itu engkau tidak teringat lagi kepada masa mudamu, waktu engkau telanjang bugil sambil menendang-nendang dengan kakimu dalam lumuran darahmu.
Dan sesudah segala kejahatanmu itu — celaka, celakalah engkau! Demikianlah firman Tuhan ALLAH —
Engkau bersundal juga dengan orang Asyur, oleh karena engkau belum merasa puas; ya, engkau bersundal dengan mereka, tetapi masih belum merasa puas.
Kepada semua perempuan sundal orang memberi upah, tetapi engkau sebaliknya, engkau yang memberi hadiah umpan kepada semua yang mencintai engkau sebagai bujukan, supaya mereka dari sekitarmu datang kepadamu untuk bersund
[11:11AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: Bayi yang dibuang, dirawat sampai jadi cantik, dan memakai kecantikannya itu untuk bersundal. Dan bersundal ga bikin puas sampe dia bayar buat dapet sundal.
[11:11AM, 10/21/2014] Yanni Karina: So just record that in mind, my friend... Sorry for the long post

posted from Bloggeroid

Hell's kitchen manga

Hell's kitchen manga : a cooking version of Hikaru no go with Sebastian's fellow demon from hell in Sai's position, with the appearance of Jack from Pandora heart (which are also possessing someone's body), and mentoring method from hell like Hiruma, in a school with various food-related major like Silver spoon and competition like Shokugeki no Souma. That pretty much sums it up

The change in me

I changed in college. I know it, I feel it, and I am thankful of it. But I have been wondering about how much I have changed. I know the result, I know how it has make me the way I am now. I am less stubborn than before, and have a wider point of view now. I believe I have interact with more people in college than I ever had my entire life. And that's still tiny. Hehe. I am an introvert and shy person, after all.

But how I was processed to change, and just what causing it?

I have been wondering... and today I scrolled around the groups I am in in Facebook, searching for old photos to see the path I am walking. Then felt a wave of nostalgia 

*cue white handkerchief*

While I am screening and choosing the photos to show my journey to my current self, some of it are a very much remembered photos that I know will show my changes. But some others... I have never seen some of those photos, or never bothered to.

And from the photos, it's clear how much have changed I am, and the step by step process. In some time, it's express, while in other time, it takes so much time before I am affected

Let's start with the beginning :

                                                                                                                                                          

So curly. Much smile. Very cute.

This. Me sometime after admitted into uni

I am very influenced by the entrance ceremony that I promise myself that I would do my best here in this uni, that are said the best in my country. I had never really that motivated to do all I can before. Add it with my promise to myself that I will try to change myself in uni..especially in social life. I change my appereance (Curled my hair LOL) And well, you get a person who are willing to try anything. That's the start of the journey. The execution, though, is not as easy.

I joined organizations right off the bat. Two, to be exact. Theater and film cliques. I am involved in so many events people wouldn't believe that I am a shy, introvert, socially awkward girl, if they don't try to talk to me. It could be said that I enjoy the activities very much...

The event held by the film group....

...And me trying to put myself in the farthest corner

See how I failed?

.

.

.

HAHA.

I am horrified of people. I am STILL horrified of them even after I joined for 6 months. In fact, one of the reason I stayed is because I am horrified to the idea of talking to them to told them I want to leave. I'd always try to avoid them and run if I spotted one of my seniors.

No one know who I am!

Especially the theater members whose appearance is very scary. And they are very different set of
people from me. Confident, bubbly, love to show themselves to the point of narcististic, LOVE to hang out and socialize, attend many social events and in short, lead a social life very that I never even touched and never imagine it's exist outside the fiction.

But I still joined a theater competition which each new students in my faculty better participate (It's per major), and will help me big time in latter time. I am very awkward and shy around the people in my major, too, so I can't say it's a big progress now.

The gathering to welcome new members of theater group, Tesas, which I belong to even now

I could work with them, but not really anything else. I'd prefer to work silently than join them to enjoy ourself. I don't know what I am doing, and I'd avoid the crowd as much as possible. I tried to find another photo of me in this event where I am very involved, and all of it are a photo in the corner, trying to erase my presence. 

My treasured photo of Tesas with ME in it. Yes, among this narcissistic people who own tons of photos, I could only spot one or two photos with my face in it.

But really, I might not enjoyed the process, but I love what I have been through and what it brought me. It's long and hard, and clearly bringing me out of my comfort zone.

The past me will say "meh" of this kind of activity. 

Though I am not sure whether completely ignoring what I want for what I think I need is a good method of self-improvement, I am sure I would appreciate it more than doing only what I want and stuck at where I don't want to be.

While still not adjusted to socializing, the me I think everyone will despite is accepted.


And trusted.

The start of the commitment I could never back off

I grow to love uni life. Even when I still can't connect with the world, I want to try still. Who knows I am only couldn't connect with this different set of people? So I join one of the first wide-scale organisation in my university, the orientation to welcome new students.

The super serious me not noticing the camera

Well, I can connect more easily here, maybe because division is based on character as well. And there are wider range of people who I can interact with. Every one of them has a different views and opinions, and I have to face reality that... not only what  I do is important, because it will affect others.

I also join one committee of my major's event, Bookfest, and found the best senior I could connect to. She told me everyone in my major, not only my batch, has always been interested to me because of my clothing style. I don't know that. She is also the leader of my religious group senior in the campus, and invite me to help with the weekly service. I agree even though I don't really able to sing or play instrument. I am willing to help anything, trying to find my place.

And I found another organization, the religious group that I am fond of, but never really close because I can't find enough time @_@. I regularly become the Worship Leader there, thanks to theater practice I am able to, and that step by step built my confidence.

And... leaping through time, I am attending an international event. Hahah

It takes a long time before I am bold, confident, and brave enough to try something I always want to try : to connect with people outside my country. To experience the bigger world. The uni life had expose me to lives I never imagine I would touch and witness, and it push my curiosity to know other form of life more than ever

Yes my hair is back to straight

I tried once before, but I am too ambitious and haven't got enough preparation.

One year is needed to built my confidence and apply again. Luckily for me, the application is accepted in the first event I apply to. I am worried, because it's the first time I am travelling aboard alone, and it would require good spoken English, etc. I am worried I might come back the same girl who goes. I am affraid I can't connect and corner myself among the world displayed before me. But I am excited that I TELL EVERYONE WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE! I rarely announced anything because maybe I think nothing interesting ever happens in my life (Which is not true.)

Peace!

Lucky me, that's not happening. There are only 3 people who got to go from my country, and so I can't corner myself. The event itself make activities that make it impossible to corner ourselves and be alone LOL. And while at the start of the event it still awkward, it soon melts off. 

Learn how to smile on photos, too 

Maybe because everyone is aware that we only have limited time, and with the fact that we are cramped with each other day and night, we open ourself quite fast. After all, we only have 2 weeks. Yikes! 

My favorite 3-person Indonesia representative shot. Miss this moment

. But during that 2 weeks, I learn a lot. A lot more compared than 2 years before it. I learn that I could be kind and get along just fine with people totally different from me. 

Sexy pose~

I learnt that when time is pressed, I could open up much faster, not the slow-to-know-me girl I always perceive myself to be.

First photo and tricked already LOL

That friendship could form much faster and last much longer, it's just with who you are bonding with.

Me sneaking to fit into the photo :P

 That if I want to be involved, it's okay, no one would object unless I am a disturbance

The closing ceremony...

And that if I can be a lot nicer, talkative, friendly, curious, and okay with close proximity with people I have only met and know for 2 weeks, why can't I for the people I have known longer? Not because their personality of course. Personality clashed everywhere.

Upon returning beck home, I am faced with the test to test my development... haha. To be the project officer of one of the national-scale performance of Tesas. With only 2 months left. HAHAHA. And, I also have to help my major with the all-new-student-theater competition 

I accept the challenge. I don't want to see this group go done a bad performance just because some misorganization. And you know what, the theater's advisor specifically chose me and one other member. He said that us, and only us could carry the mission. So we did

The poster of the event that will change my relationship with the theater member forever

The event are done from start until finished, but I don't know if it's successful or not. For me, it's clearly not. It's the worst but also the best event I ever become staff of. I consider it the worst event Tesas ever held. We lack it all : human resources, time, money, tools, experience. It's a very stressful environment with people who scarified not only their energy, time, mind, body, soul, but also money, and emotion. It's a huge sacrifice. Among theater member who is very expressive and emotional, it's chaos.

Some of the members said that they could stay insane because I am the leader, that my lack-of-expression face tell them that we must stay calm, like the leader. If there are anything good with my leadership in this event, it's this. It really feels like a challenge to me, to apply what I have learned in the Summer school. The main one is, I could be close to any people if I want to. Nothing is any deciding factor, not even time, not personality. It's effort to understand and stick with each other.

Through the stress, chaos and messy mistakes, we learn. We grow. Closer. I see them cry, I see them laugh. I see them in their utmost stressed state. I see the emotional abrupt ion and I see the emotion hold on inside.

And I start to open up 

The stress and burden between two events left me with no time to rebound, and I have no free time, too, while still have to maintain my college classes. And a part time job as a teacher... So I have no energy left to keep myself in check and hold my emotion. 

Me, as the leader, forced to "entertain" the member by doing... cosplay

 I laugh. I let my emotion in the opened. I tell them what's in my mind and what's bugging me. I share it with them. It's the first time I have go head-on with the person causing me problem, people I barely knew. To try and stand for myself. Before, I'd never try to speak my wants and intention. And they started to see the me hidden inside the poker facade. Not that I tried to put up the facade, it's just that I have difficulties expressing anything. I learn to know people, to befriend them, to go out of my comfort zone in social setting.

People start to recognize and appreciate my change. I got called from people I forget where I know, and I could only nod. Sometimes

And then, I fall in love.

Just that. Nothing big happened. I never fall in love before, and I don't know it when I fall. In the scene of cramped up people who only focus on their work with each other, it's not uncommon, but I never have it. I just happened. No sparkles. No fire. No heart-thumping scene. But I utterly desperately in love.

And without I know it, I am changing further.

A project film in class in which I am the director

I am spending more time with people. I tolerate their antics and foolishness. I learn to appreciate the time wasted with friends, even if it's not productive. I learn tolerance. I tried to now looked down on weakness and differences. I appreciate more what beautiful thing a smile and laughter is, because my spirit is clearly lifted for a particular smile. I act awkwardly and experience how to not be able to say things straightforward and frank. I learn how it is to get tangled in a romantic love. I learn how hard it is and starting to have tolerance to the problems caused by love. (Before, I think it's foolish to).


The relationship didn't go anywhere. But it give me more things to learn. I learn how to deal with a broken heart the good way (I presume, because we are still friend. And quite close). And.. I know how beautiful a feeling we will get when we fall. Hard. 

I am thankful how the relationship didn't just break and drift apart. I'd hate to fall in love after that. I always think it's foolish to break a perfectly fine friendship to a messy romantic relationship. 

And... with all that lessons, perhaps, I am trusted to be the President of the group!
...Which I refuse to, but I will be the Vice President. Okay nice. 

With the broken heart and spirit to start anew, I do my internship in Philippines. 

Why Philippines? Because this girls I met in Korea fill me out about their country!

It was like a quiz about how well  I could apply the lessons I learned in real life. This is the first time I am alone in the whole world in another country with no one to supervise or accompany me. I have to face new people without introduction. I have to stand and see if I could fit on my own. And to see if I could preserve relationships, hehe.

The send-away party of my internship. Did I success?

Well... the experience there is interesting in a different way with Korea. In Korea, I was brought to a dream world. This time, I have to search and make the dream world on my own. And I am ready to try. As the event with me losing my way as the start, it's a good one. I experience creeps and people trying to ask me out, too. 

The good-bye party with my roommies. We could get crazy together just being roomies for 2 months!

I got close with my roommates, all nice Filipino girls with their own stories to tell. People with different background could get along just fine. We are all searching for happiness, after all. Now, one is in Singapore and one is in Spain. I have another friends who are ready to help me travel no? HAHA.

When I got back, I am in a new situation : I am now have huge responsibilities within the theater group, and I have to teach my juniors, which show how cute it is people who you have to protect. I have never had junior-senior relationship before, well.... what do you expect from a lone wolf like me. I always thought it troublesome. But no. It's quite challenging, but very heartwarming. They still said they miss me until now. The people you help and reach out to when they have nothing to give you back always remember you the hardest, no?

And then I got the religious group left with only young members, as well. And that my major absolutely need me to one role of our major yearly event. Yeah. I notice how easy the people in my major approach and want help or what from me. They see me as the ready-to-join girl because I know nearly all the key player in my major, which is the ones who join the theater competition. Nice.

 I am seen, generally, as a very dependable girl who are ready to help, as long as you ask, because she is shy. I don't play around and with people a lot, but I could get into any group because they see my works in the groups I am in. It helps a lot, because I do need people to approach me, I am not that conscious of my surrounding still. AND because of that, I am chosen as one of my major top students. I am proud of  myself, really. I still didn't do what most people said I need to do in order to success, but I am fine to this point. I tried to close a gap in my skill set, that is my social skill, and I seem to do a good job.

I quit my part-time job as a teacher because I have no more time to spare... And focus more on my final graduation paper and back to my courses, because my GPA is falling. The more I focus on 'real life', the more I am slipping in grades. I am naturally not one to focus on real life, so...

Cha-no-yu class, the activities I use my spare time to attend in between grad paper. It keeps my sanity.

I tried to compensate with trying things I want to do from a long time ago, and also to broaden my social life and keep my mind sane. It's cha no yu, the Japanese Tea Ceremony class, and I could befriend this group of people, too. With my bestfriend from junior high because no matter how wide my social circle will be, I will always fall back and count on them.

I am forced more and more to work with people. I am not able to say "No" yet. So more and more works are handed to me. And I apply, apply, apply.

And near my graduation, I seem to have form a skill to befriend people without lengthy process, something I'd never imagine I would be able to, and something I once think are shallow. People who are meant to be friend will be friend, so why prolong the process? 

I approach, too, the people in my major that I have kind of 'neglect' all my campus life, and ... well, I am able to find welcome from them (again), despite my unableness to show up in anything. I learn, then, that after all people will have to accept your shit, too, not only you tolerating them. And it's still okay to attempt making relationship, despite all.

That's pretty much all I could remember about how I grow, socially, and as a person, in college. It is one of my target when I enter uni (to refine my social life), and that's all my effort up until my graduation. Not perfect, not quite what I first imagine, but for me, and this objection of mine..

When I graduate, I could say...

The aftermath of my thesis defense

I passed with flying colors.

*END*

nb. sorry it's sooooo long!

Earlier in April,  I made some sort of bucket list about what I want to achieve on my 22nd age.
Here's the previous list....

1. Finish my graduation paper. Done
2. Get my bachelor degree. Of course, naturally. Still haven't got the certificate on my hands, though.
3. Get a scholarship to study masteral degree somewhere abroad. I don't know if this still could be done on my 22nd birthday. I have a one year long contract job right now.
4. Get a job. A good paying one as well
5. My first salary goes 100% to the church. Only 1 day to go... I won't give my overtime salary, though.
6. Buy an expensive but super comfortable shoes as soon as possible. Still not done. I have buy one new shoes though, so .. I am pending it
7. Buy my mom one of those shoes too. She does it before me, so it's her own money TwT)
8. Change my phone to a really effective one. From a relative. It's a gift from GOd XD
9. Get a new laptop. Still wavering about which one should I buy....
10. Explain to my mom about the lodging from the states, and my intention to apply it in my case, too, if I am lodging at home
11. Hope she doesn't accept my proposal Start paying monthly rent to my parents. Well, one month to go...
12. ASEAN trip Only Singapore and Malaysia and Philippines done. Still waiting for at least Thailand, then Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Myanmar and lastly Bruney...
13. Get my driving licence. Still haven't start my lessons yet, even.
14. Road trip Java - Lombok - Bali
15. Pay back the money I spent from my bank account to do travelling
16. Get a saving of - I don't know, hmm... Okay. Rp 10.000.000,00
17. Try to open a new bussiness
18. Finish the Bible
19. Finish all Agatha Christie detective novels. The Poirot's done, as well as the Marple's. Only 13 to go
20. JLPT N3... but I will only be able to reach N4, so, N4.
21. Make one scrapbook about Korean trip. Hm... we will see later
22. Get to my ideal weight (55kgs). RIght now still in 70kgs, but people already comment that I am thinning
23. Be able to jog for 1 hour. Ha... hahahaha. I have to hit the gym starting tomorrow...
24. Learn to juggle for 2 weeks. Hm. Hm. Will I? XD
25. Get my room neat for real. Now it's quite neat... thanks to my dear brother
26. Sort all my clothes. Progressing.....
27. Go to one volunteer act .
28. Learn Cha no Yu. Proud of this, only finished yesterday...
29. Make one dress
30. Finish Hasfit exercises
31. Master 10 new recipes. New? Hmmmmmm... well at least two, I already be able to make Mie Ayam and Bakso Solo and SMS. And those pancakes,
32. Make one chapter of manga
33. KOM 100
34. Get into one mission trip
35. Made one website about Indonesian food. A blog one.

And because a lot has been scratched, I want to made a new list to make it easier to read. Here it is :
And my situation has been settled, so I have to edit some of the goals as well.

1. Get a scholarship to study masteral degree somewhere abroad. I don't know if this still could be done on my 22nd birthday. I have a one year long contract job right now.
2. My first salary goes 100% to the church. One day to payday, and one week to the next Sunday...
3. Buy an expensive but super comfortable shoes as soon as possible. I am pending it a bit, I will search for a shoe pad instead.
4. Get a new laptop. Crome book toshiba?
5. Hope she doesn't accept my proposal Start paying monthly rent to my parents... One month until I am able to~
6. ASEAN trip Only Singapore and Malaysia and Philippines done. Thailand, Myanmar, Cambodia, Vietnam and Laos to go...
7. Get my car driving license.
8. Road trip Java - Lombok - Bali. 
• Pay back the money I spent from my bank account to do travelling. It's so cheap I don't think I need to dig my bank account... so, out.
9. Get a saving of - I don't know, hmm... Okay. Rp 10.000.000,00. Actually, it's quite easy to get Rp 10.000.000,00 on my saving account, so it have to be accumulating and never get used at all.
10. Try to open a new bussiness. I have two proposal ready....
11. Finish the Bible . RIght now I am in... Joshua, hehe
12. Finish all Agatha Christie detective novels. 13 to go!
13. JLPT N4. N5 done, and N4 test in December
14. Make one scrapbook about Korean trip
15. Get to my ideal weight (55kgs)
16. Be able to jog for 1 hour
17. Learn to juggle for 2 weeks
18. Get my room neat for real
19. Sort all my clothes
20. Go to one volunteer act
21. Make one dress
22. Finish Hasfit exercises
23. Master 10 new recipes. 7 more
24. Make one chapter of manga
25. Get into one mission trip

From 35 ro 25, quite an achievement right? *the one I scratch are only the matter-of-time ones LOL. will be back with an update on this!
26. Done the journal in medical library.
27. Won one writing competition
28. Finnish the writing course