'I am a weird girl'
That's what I think when I just finnish my evening jogging around university
And before I start this post, I forget why I think I am weird XD
Now I remember
You know, I love making plans
And lists and goals
Somekind of bucket list
The kind of plan and things people who are sincerely wish to be successfull to have
Thing is, I dont really want to be successful - the average one defined by society, I mean. I am a lazy ass
Or maybe when I made those plans, I am in the "Great leader mind" moods
Anyway, I never mean the goals and lists and plans to be the measure of success or a step to the next one. I didn't really carefully think over it, and I don't scheme - just list anything that I am thinking off at the time. I have no specific direction, and most importantly, no specific force or mean to really make it true. I didn't stress about that. I would try my best to make it come true if the flow of life open the door for me. And all this time, they still opened it
Not that I like abandoning my goals. I love them, crazy about them, and want them all to be true. I am a greedy person. But again, I didn't care that much if something is failing or what
I love those list to keep me in check. Just for the passing of the time. Maybe because I still haven't find my true goal/calling. I still haven't found something I'd die fighting for. Not that it is uncommon, I find most people is like this. The difference is, they didn't fill their time while waiting to find it. And in the mean time, I would do all my plans just for the sake of it. To move forward when I am stalling. To make sure I am still in front of everyone in some sense. Even if I didn't feel like doing it anymore or it's already too far away from my current direction, I will still stubornly do it. It just a matter of ticking or striking it when it's done. I don't know. I want to feel all experience I can feel, all experiences I ever want to do. Maybe I am bored. It's easy. But in my boredom, I do things. I want to move automatically, so even when my mind and heart is not there, I am not behind. While actually there are no pressure, no need, or no point for me to go forward because no one cares and I didn't mind a mediocre life. But I work harder than anyone because the list kind of haunting me. Because I have the itch to tick every single one. Because I want to know more, read more, listen more, enjoy things more, be more in peace, etc.
Then I read Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood and found similarities with Nagasawa. Haha. I don't know, I don't like his ways and I never saw my way explained so clearly in text, but I don't hate it. Getting ahead of everyone just because you can, just for the sake of it.
Because when you have something more, didn't it means you have to explore it? Hell, even if you don't have more, didn't you better put what you have in good use? Being miserable or bored or unhappy is the same in any class/level/position, but I guess it's still better to be like that in a better condition than the rest of people
That's what I think when I just finnish my evening jogging around university
And before I start this post, I forget why I think I am weird XD
Now I remember
You know, I love making plans
And lists and goals
Somekind of bucket list
The kind of plan and things people who are sincerely wish to be successfull to have
Thing is, I dont really want to be successful - the average one defined by society, I mean. I am a lazy ass
Or maybe when I made those plans, I am in the "Great leader mind" moods
Anyway, I never mean the goals and lists and plans to be the measure of success or a step to the next one. I didn't really carefully think over it, and I don't scheme - just list anything that I am thinking off at the time. I have no specific direction, and most importantly, no specific force or mean to really make it true. I didn't stress about that. I would try my best to make it come true if the flow of life open the door for me. And all this time, they still opened it
Not that I like abandoning my goals. I love them, crazy about them, and want them all to be true. I am a greedy person. But again, I didn't care that much if something is failing or what
I love those list to keep me in check. Just for the passing of the time. Maybe because I still haven't find my true goal/calling. I still haven't found something I'd die fighting for. Not that it is uncommon, I find most people is like this. The difference is, they didn't fill their time while waiting to find it. And in the mean time, I would do all my plans just for the sake of it. To move forward when I am stalling. To make sure I am still in front of everyone in some sense. Even if I didn't feel like doing it anymore or it's already too far away from my current direction, I will still stubornly do it. It just a matter of ticking or striking it when it's done. I don't know. I want to feel all experience I can feel, all experiences I ever want to do. Maybe I am bored. It's easy. But in my boredom, I do things. I want to move automatically, so even when my mind and heart is not there, I am not behind. While actually there are no pressure, no need, or no point for me to go forward because no one cares and I didn't mind a mediocre life. But I work harder than anyone because the list kind of haunting me. Because I have the itch to tick every single one. Because I want to know more, read more, listen more, enjoy things more, be more in peace, etc.
Then I read Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood and found similarities with Nagasawa. Haha. I don't know, I don't like his ways and I never saw my way explained so clearly in text, but I don't hate it. Getting ahead of everyone just because you can, just for the sake of it.
Because when you have something more, didn't it means you have to explore it? Hell, even if you don't have more, didn't you better put what you have in good use? Being miserable or bored or unhappy is the same in any class/level/position, but I guess it's still better to be like that in a better condition than the rest of people
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